It is time for something I do not do often and dare not do in person: vent. Vent about almost everything that is on my mind (at present) as there are far too many things to remember (I have also found I vent in my dreams, a rather remarkable piece of work I become in this world) and I cannot write them all at once. So, where to start?
Many people ask me why I think so much? Of what and why I am scared? They want me to act, move, live, do something child, anything! Okay, maybe not that way but it seems like this in my head. So what is my answer? Drum roll please…because it is what I have always done, what I do and what I will always do. I think, I over analyze, I even often hurry myself to start things that are long before due. This spazzy, overachieving, worry-till-the-days-end creature is what I am.
I admit, being this way has deprived me of doing many things that I regret not doing; I play it safe, yes, that’s a way to put it. And I shouldn’t, but at the same time I think that if I, you know, “lived a little”, or how I see it, go bat shit crazy, things would become worse. My perspective is: if I keep it safe, I will be fine and safe my heart from ache. Okay, understandable.
Not really. People fear what they do not understand or what they cannot see, it’s normal. This should not be stopping me from being a little spontaneous. I love spontaneity for crying out loud. This is a girl who once laid on a busy street just because I saw it on “The Notebook” and thought it would be fun (I scared the shit out of my date but it was fun). But this has changed, I have changed. It is part of growing up. And it’s not a whole 180, just certain situations have pushed me into a different direction. There is still that child inside of me that loves doing those things, she has just become too frightened…I AM SCARED, I AM! Of having too much of, of not having too much fun, of living a fitting life, of running with the right crows, of making friends, of losing friends, of falling in love, of giving a guy a chance, of being my entire self and of entirely showing the rage I have kept inside for so long.
Of the latter I think about every single day. When will that day come when I find myself at the edge, when I finally say no more ms. nice lady. Of being done and yelling to the heavens: I. Am. Done. That scares me the most. There is a quote that says: beware the fury of the patient man…oh how true it is. Some friends have seen hints of the anger building up. Yet, how can a sweet girl with a good life (because yes, my life is good, I cannot and do not complain) be angry? I am angry because I want to be angry. I want to be sad. I want to scream. I want to throw things around. Just because it is something I have yet to have show the world; that I can be bad as much as I can be good.
I’ve always had this feeling of wanting to prove myself worthy of living here. But how stupid can you be, Maria? To prove yourself by being angry? Anger is not a strength, it is a weakness, it blinds you. It does, but I see too much I want to be blind for once.
I don’t really have much to add…I hope I don’t explode any time soon, summer has started and I don’t really have much stressors around so probably not. Is it weird that I want to? Even so, I think it is time for me to not care too much for others’ opinions, after all, it is my life. Although it is appreciated, thanks, but no thanks.
I think this vent is over…or more of a to be continued.